I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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