party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
