New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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