if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
