last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
