I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
