So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize