oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
