This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
