There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
