Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
