he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
