I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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