I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
