Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
