Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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