I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
