A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
