My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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