You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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