i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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