I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
