Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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