My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
