go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
