They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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