I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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