u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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