That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
