Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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