how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
