Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
