Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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