my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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