My liver just broke up with me...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
