she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
