when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
