Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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