My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
