saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
