Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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