My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
