The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
