dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
