if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
