Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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