I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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