He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
