My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
