her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
